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The Dissector - "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

The Dissector - April 2008

Rugby League's Hottest 100

April 17th 2008 19:29
Tonight, rugby league named its ‘Team of The Century.’ It is of course made up of League’s immortals and a host of champions from across the decades filling the gaps.

I would firstly like to congratulate each and every individual who has made it to the Rugby League Hottest 100 CD. Nice work – great to be voted as Australia’s favourite.

However, purely in the interests of discussion, debate, and a blog, I would like to offer my top 17 from rugby league’s last 100 years.

Now, keeping in mind I haven’t been following footy for quite that long, there might be a slight bias for players from the last 25 odd years, but hey, bring on the debate if you know any better. I’m happy to stand corrected at any time.


So, Funky’s Footy Team of the Century goes something like this…

1. Billy Slater. Is there a more exciting player to watch in league?

2. Eric Grothe. Seriously – he made me sit up and take notice of footy as an infant. Every time he got the ball in his hands he made you think ‘what’s going to happen next?’ Plus he was the first league man to master the art of human cloning.

3. Mal Meninga. I picked him, seriously! From the start I had him as my centre man.

4. Mark McGaw. The only man who was good enough to become a Gladiator. I never saw Fulton or Gasnier swinging an oversized cotton-bud around the place.

5. Chicka Ferguson. Need I say more? The man smoked the opposition as much as he smoked. Is there a pun in there somewhere? Yes. Can I find it at 4.30 in the morning? No. He was good.

6. Sean Rudder. Not only does he have the best last name in footy to scream out from the sideline (try it, as loud as you can…Ru-ddaaaaa!), he saved his only decent game in the NRL for when it counted most – the 2001 Grand Final.


7. Joey. Love to say Steve Mortimer, but let’s face it, Joey was it.

8. Barry Hall. With a left hook like that, tell me a player who’d want to meet him in the middle of the park.

9. Shane Warne. Seriously – he has the build and the sporting know-how to make a great hooker. Imagine Mark Riddell with a brain. Plus, Chicka needs a smoking buddy.

10. Mark Carroll. I saw him at Brookvale Oval the other Sunday. The man is huge, and I realised there is no way I would tell him he’s not in the side.

11. Brad Clyde. For three years, he was the best player in the world, no exceptions. (My call - not necessarily agreed with by anyone who knows anything about the game).

12. Gordon Tallis. Any Queenslander I hate that much has got to be good. Remember him rag-dolling Hodgson over the sideline and imagine him playing alongside Barry Hall.

13. Bustling Billy Pedersen. Yes, cause he’s from Newcastle, and yes, cause I named my BBQ after him. (Come on – ‘Bustling Billy BBQ’ has a ring to it doesn’t it)?

And then the bench…

14. Bill Harrigan. As quick as they come, and what a Vice Skipper he’d make. He knows pretty much everything about everything.

15. Greg Brentnall. Fantastic Bulldog under a high-ball. Plus has a great boot on him if ever there was a sudden kicking duel.

16. Terry Lamb. Was known as a player who was everywhere, so why not here?

17. Jamie Goddard. For three reasons. (A) He’s not a Knight or a Bulldog, (B) See selected player numbers 8 and 12. Fair combo huh? And (C) Joey would play better with him in his side rather than opposing him.

And the coach? Gotta think of the most motivational, inspirational individual…

I’d go for Rabs Warren. Imagine him at every video session at training - calling the game – it’d be tops! Otherwise, there are plenty of great coaches to choose from, but let’s not forget Jason Taylor once peed in a cup and threw it amongst the crowd at a cricket game at the SCG. I wouldn’t pick him.

Thanks for reading, and remember, as Little Johnny said (and he probably had Jason Taylor in mind) stay alert, not alarmed.

Chow4now.
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Is it just me?

April 9th 2008 04:55
It’s been eight weeks since I earned a dollar, and my savings account is starting to run dry. I retired from my last job and moved to Sydney, keen to try the big city life. Everything was going great for a while too.

In terms of home entertainment, my new flat mates own a combined total of about 26,800 DVDs, 11,000 books and a Boonie doll, so that side of life is more than covered. There are free tennis courts and some cricket nets down the road, so my sporting needs are taken care of without spending a cent. Unfortunately, two of life’s most important vices, rent and beer, are taking their toll and I find myself in the position of needing to work and earn some money once again.

The newspapers (until this week) have been telling me that there hasn’t been a better time in my lifetime to find work, and now that I am armed with a fresh uni degree, I should be able to walk into any job of my choosing and get down to business. So why am I struggling?

I get to an interview, the employer tells me their conditions, I tell them mine, and then they show me the door. It’s just a few simple things, mostly OH&S stuff, but no-one seems to understand…

- I need a three-day weekend, often. I find I get too run-down and lethargic if I work any longer.

- I suffer from a disease called “acute re-occurring hypochondria.” Every doctor I’ve ever seen tells me the same thing. I’ve had some attendance issues with previous employers because of it, but who’s going to argue that mental illnesses aren’t as serious as physical ones?

- I follow the lead of landlords and insist that any new employer has to pay me one month’s pay in advance, as well as six week’s bond - just in case.

- I’ve got a problem with bosses. I’m a nice guy; I just hate people telling me what to do.

- I get claustrophobic in uniforms, collar-and-tie, or generally any two items of clothing worn together that are in any way similar.

- I can’t work outdoors. The combination of having fair skin and the ‘icky’ feeling of sunscreen prevents me from spending more than seven and a half minutes a day outside.

- Repetitious work bores me. If I get bored my hypochondria plays up.

- I can’t start in the morning. It’s a fact that people have different body clocks and therefore different ‘peak’ periods of the day. Just don’t try to get me to do anything before about three-thirty in the afternoon.

- I’m afraid of the dark.

- I get tired after meals. The body uses a lot of energy trying to digest food, or a glass of water, or oxygen for that matter.

- I am a true global citizen, embracing all religions and nationalities. This means I need to pray or meditate 36 times a day, simultaneously fast and feast, and observe all national and religious holidays.

- Air conditioning makes my sinuses play up – as does spending time in a room with no air conditioning.

- I can’t be around anything that smells ‘fresh.’ Flowers, cut grass, bread, and soap are all sinus killers.

- I’m great at customer service – but I don’t like people, so I’m best suited for short, snappy exchanges.

- I’m afraid of animals. A living thing with teeth and no intellect is never a good combination.

- I’m afraid of heights, but even more afraid of depths. I need to be between ground level and four foot high at all times.

- I get really agitated by colour. I can only handle shades.

- I had a traumatic childhood experience on a conveyor belt, so I freak right out at the sight of anything that moves mechanically.

- I cannot, under any circumstances, wear pants.

- My family has a long history of male baldness, so I tend to strike out at anyone with hair.

- Given the amount of crime we’re exposed to in the media these days, I think I should be congratulated for mostly resisting. My criminal record, while having some length to it, has been described as being more ‘colourful’ than ‘tragic.’

So if anyone knows of a place where I can work, an employer that looks after and values their employees, then please drop me a line and let me know. But don’t email me, because I’m throwing away my computer as soon as I finish this blog. We all know that technology is going to take over the world and destroy all humanity, and I for one don’t want to encourage them. I don’t have a mobile phone cause they give you brain tumors, and I can’t read modern languages – I was brought up communicating with hieroglyphics painted onto rock – so don’t mail me anything either.

Cheers for reading, and black cat, black cat, pyramid, serpent, black cat (or – stay alert, not alarmed).

Chow4now
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Who would you love to be? Haven’t we all watched a film and thought ‘wow, if only I could do that, or say that to the boss, or get her phone number, then how good would life be?’

With our radio show being called I’ve got a bad feeling about this, it’s evident enough that we are film fans. As The Jazzman often mumbles earnestly, “everything I’ve ever learnt in life has come from films


[ Click here to read more ]
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