ChrisCIs it just me?
April 9th 2008 04:55
It’s been eight weeks since I earned a dollar, and my savings account is starting to run dry. I retired from my last job and moved to Sydney, keen to try the big city life. Everything was going great for a while too.
In terms of home entertainment, my new flat mates own a combined total of about 26,800 DVDs, 11,000 books and a Boonie doll, so that side of life is more than covered. There are free tennis courts and some cricket nets down the road, so my sporting needs are taken care of without spending a cent. Unfortunately, two of life’s most important vices, rent and beer, are taking their toll and I find myself in the position of needing to work and earn some money once again.
The newspapers (until this week) have been telling me that there hasn’t been a better time in my lifetime to find work, and now that I am armed with a fresh uni degree, I should be able to walk into any job of my choosing and get down to business. So why am I struggling?
I get to an interview, the employer tells me their conditions, I tell them mine, and then they show me the door. It’s just a few simple things, mostly OH&S stuff, but no-one seems to understand…
- I need a three-day weekend, often. I find I get too run-down and lethargic if I work any longer.
- I suffer from a disease called “acute re-occurring hypochondria.” Every doctor I’ve ever seen tells me the same thing. I’ve had some attendance issues with previous employers because of it, but who’s going to argue that mental illnesses aren’t as serious as physical ones?
- I follow the lead of landlords and insist that any new employer has to pay me one month’s pay in advance, as well as six week’s bond - just in case.
- I’ve got a problem with bosses. I’m a nice guy; I just hate people telling me what to do.
- I get claustrophobic in uniforms, collar-and-tie, or generally any two items of clothing worn together that are in any way similar.
- I can’t work outdoors. The combination of having fair skin and the ‘icky’ feeling of sunscreen prevents me from spending more than seven and a half minutes a day outside.
- Repetitious work bores me. If I get bored my hypochondria plays up.
- I can’t start in the morning. It’s a fact that people have different body clocks and therefore different ‘peak’ periods of the day. Just don’t try to get me to do anything before about three-thirty in the afternoon.
- I’m afraid of the dark.
- I get tired after meals. The body uses a lot of energy trying to digest food, or a glass of water, or oxygen for that matter.
- I am a true global citizen, embracing all religions and nationalities. This means I need to pray or meditate 36 times a day, simultaneously fast and feast, and observe all national and religious holidays.
- Air conditioning makes my sinuses play up – as does spending time in a room with no air conditioning.
- I can’t be around anything that smells ‘fresh.’ Flowers, cut grass, bread, and soap are all sinus killers.
- I’m great at customer service – but I don’t like people, so I’m best suited for short, snappy exchanges.
- I’m afraid of animals. A living thing with teeth and no intellect is never a good combination.
- I’m afraid of heights, but even more afraid of depths. I need to be between ground level and four foot high at all times.
- I get really agitated by colour. I can only handle shades.
- I had a traumatic childhood experience on a conveyor belt, so I freak right out at the sight of anything that moves mechanically.
- I cannot, under any circumstances, wear pants.
- My family has a long history of male baldness, so I tend to strike out at anyone with hair.
- Given the amount of crime we’re exposed to in the media these days, I think I should be congratulated for mostly resisting. My criminal record, while having some length to it, has been described as being more ‘colourful’ than ‘tragic.’
So if anyone knows of a place where I can work, an employer that looks after and values their employees, then please drop me a line and let me know. But don’t email me, because I’m throwing away my computer as soon as I finish this blog. We all know that technology is going to take over the world and destroy all humanity, and I for one don’t want to encourage them. I don’t have a mobile phone cause they give you brain tumors, and I can’t read modern languages – I was brought up communicating with hieroglyphics painted onto rock – so don’t mail me anything either.
Cheers for reading, and black cat, black cat, pyramid, serpent, black cat (or – stay alert, not alarmed).
Chow4now
In terms of home entertainment, my new flat mates own a combined total of about 26,800 DVDs, 11,000 books and a Boonie doll, so that side of life is more than covered. There are free tennis courts and some cricket nets down the road, so my sporting needs are taken care of without spending a cent. Unfortunately, two of life’s most important vices, rent and beer, are taking their toll and I find myself in the position of needing to work and earn some money once again.
The newspapers (until this week) have been telling me that there hasn’t been a better time in my lifetime to find work, and now that I am armed with a fresh uni degree, I should be able to walk into any job of my choosing and get down to business. So why am I struggling?
I get to an interview, the employer tells me their conditions, I tell them mine, and then they show me the door. It’s just a few simple things, mostly OH&S stuff, but no-one seems to understand…
- I need a three-day weekend, often. I find I get too run-down and lethargic if I work any longer.
- I suffer from a disease called “acute re-occurring hypochondria.” Every doctor I’ve ever seen tells me the same thing. I’ve had some attendance issues with previous employers because of it, but who’s going to argue that mental illnesses aren’t as serious as physical ones?
- I follow the lead of landlords and insist that any new employer has to pay me one month’s pay in advance, as well as six week’s bond - just in case.
- I’ve got a problem with bosses. I’m a nice guy; I just hate people telling me what to do.
- I get claustrophobic in uniforms, collar-and-tie, or generally any two items of clothing worn together that are in any way similar.
- I can’t work outdoors. The combination of having fair skin and the ‘icky’ feeling of sunscreen prevents me from spending more than seven and a half minutes a day outside.
- Repetitious work bores me. If I get bored my hypochondria plays up.
- I can’t start in the morning. It’s a fact that people have different body clocks and therefore different ‘peak’ periods of the day. Just don’t try to get me to do anything before about three-thirty in the afternoon.
- I’m afraid of the dark.
- I get tired after meals. The body uses a lot of energy trying to digest food, or a glass of water, or oxygen for that matter.
- I am a true global citizen, embracing all religions and nationalities. This means I need to pray or meditate 36 times a day, simultaneously fast and feast, and observe all national and religious holidays.
- Air conditioning makes my sinuses play up – as does spending time in a room with no air conditioning.
- I can’t be around anything that smells ‘fresh.’ Flowers, cut grass, bread, and soap are all sinus killers.
- I’m great at customer service – but I don’t like people, so I’m best suited for short, snappy exchanges.
- I’m afraid of animals. A living thing with teeth and no intellect is never a good combination.
- I’m afraid of heights, but even more afraid of depths. I need to be between ground level and four foot high at all times.
- I get really agitated by colour. I can only handle shades.
- I had a traumatic childhood experience on a conveyor belt, so I freak right out at the sight of anything that moves mechanically.
- I cannot, under any circumstances, wear pants.
- My family has a long history of male baldness, so I tend to strike out at anyone with hair.
- Given the amount of crime we’re exposed to in the media these days, I think I should be congratulated for mostly resisting. My criminal record, while having some length to it, has been described as being more ‘colourful’ than ‘tragic.’
So if anyone knows of a place where I can work, an employer that looks after and values their employees, then please drop me a line and let me know. But don’t email me, because I’m throwing away my computer as soon as I finish this blog. We all know that technology is going to take over the world and destroy all humanity, and I for one don’t want to encourage them. I don’t have a mobile phone cause they give you brain tumors, and I can’t read modern languages – I was brought up communicating with hieroglyphics painted onto rock – so don’t mail me anything either.
Cheers for reading, and black cat, black cat, pyramid, serpent, black cat (or – stay alert, not alarmed).
Chow4now
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
I really wish I had something more positive to offer, try Centrelink for special assistance for your special needs and good luck.
Comment by www.thedissector.com
I'm no good as a blog writer either!
Thanks for your kind help Katyzzz!
Comment by Morgan Bell
Science News
Deep Pencil
Business News
Movie Train
Artist Quirk
really the only job options for people like us is drug dealer, prostitute, or blogger lol
i enjoyed the read, very funny
Comment by ChrisC
The Dissector
I like your suggestions - you are a thinker - but here's the problem...
- drug dealer: watching Underbelly has put me off. money - yes. cap in the head - no.
- i do (did) radio because i have a head for it. therefore prostitution is out.
- blogging? i like the idea, but the $3.68 i've earned in the past 2 months from google adsense doesn't quite buy me a beer in this town!
Comment by Louie
Climate Red
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
Comment by Digger
Hope this works and you get this message. Yes its the Digger coming live from the NT where the temp does not drop below 30'
What a suprise I got this evening when I came home checked my email clicked on to the dissector only to see the launch of blokeanol.
As the simpsons would say " is there anything fluffier than a cloud" if there is I dont want to know about it"
I believe my voice sounds better when it is broadcast to a huge viewing audience.
Cant wait to see what other adventures funky and the Jazz come up with for live broadcast.
PS I looking at getting tickets to the 1 day match in August
Digger signing off
Comment by ChrisC
The Dissector
Good work stopping by and leaving a message. If i had a photo of you I'd stick the Superman sketch up on you tube as well, but alas, my lack of camera and your lack of passing photos of yourself around has brought me unstuck. all i needed was that one photo of you, but no, you had to insist on it being signed b4 you gave it to me. and i had to pay $100 for it. like you said, i'm sure it's an investment for the future and will be worth many times that amount down the track, but having just finishing uni and all, i'm a little tight right now.
speak soon