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The Dissector - "I've got a bad feeling about this..."

What the Olympics have taught me...

August 18th 2008 07:49
The Olympics have taught me one thing this week: my ex-girlfriend owes me an apology.

As of 5.00pm this arvo, Australia has won 11 gold medals. Now, in case you have forgotten, gold medals are the currency of our nationality. It’s the only thing that distinguishes us from New Zealand. And Greenland.

And the thing that distinguishes us from the rest of the world is that all of our 11 gold medals have been won on the water. Swimmers galore, and rowers, and sailors. Sure, we picked up gold in the women’s triathlon (courtesy of Emma Snowsill), but a third of that race is on water, so my stats are water tight. Bad joke, I know, but it’s my blog.


Perusing through the silver medals again demonstrates our love of all things aquatic. Every single one of them are water-based medals, with the possible exception of a curious event we apparently won medals in called “eventing.” Buggered if I’d know what that is either. (As an after-note: even my Microsoft spell-check doesn’t recognise the word “eventing”).

And as for bronze, well, everyone has got a bronze medal these days haven’t they, so there’s no point looking through that list.

The other interesting thing to note is that 8 out of our 11 golds have been won by females. So while us blokes spend our spare time chasing cricket balls and kicking leather around the nation’s footy fields (or more precisely – sitting back and watching others do it), the women have been working out in the water.

Ironic really isn’t it? Statistics don’t lie. I have been telling my now-ex-girlfriend for years that her place is exactly there – in the water. Whether she is doing the dishes, or cleaning my clothes, she rightfully belongs in the kitchen and the laundry. She left me a while ago now, ranting on about me being a “sexist pig” or some bloody thing, and yet I was right all along.


And do you think I will get an apology?

Not likely.

Remember to stay alert – not alarmed,

and chow4now.


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Rugby League's Hottest 100

April 17th 2008 19:29
Tonight, rugby league named its ‘Team of The Century.’ It is of course made up of League’s immortals and a host of champions from across the decades filling the gaps.

I would firstly like to congratulate each and every individual who has made it to the Rugby League Hottest 100 CD. Nice work – great to be voted as Australia’s favourite.

However, purely in the interests of discussion, debate, and a blog, I would like to offer my top 17 from rugby league’s last 100 years.

Now, keeping in mind I haven’t been following footy for quite that long, there might be a slight bias for players from the last 25 odd years, but hey, bring on the debate if you know any better. I’m happy to stand corrected at any time.

So, Funky’s Footy Team of the Century goes something like this…

1. Billy Slater. Is there a more exciting player to watch in league?

2. Eric Grothe. Seriously – he made me sit up and take notice of footy as an infant. Every time he got the ball in his hands he made you think ‘what’s going to happen next?’ Plus he was the first league man to master the art of human cloning.

3. Mal Meninga. I picked him, seriously! From the start I had him as my centre man.

4. Mark McGaw. The only man who was good enough to become a Gladiator. I never saw Fulton or Gasnier swinging an oversized cotton-bud around the place.

5. Chicka Ferguson. Need I say more? The man smoked the opposition as much as he smoked. Is there a pun in there somewhere? Yes. Can I find it at 4.30 in the morning? No. He was good.

6. Sean Rudder. Not only does he have the best last name in footy to scream out from the sideline (try it, as loud as you can…Ru-ddaaaaa!), he saved his only decent game in the NRL for when it counted most – the 2001 Grand Final.

7. Joey. Love to say Steve Mortimer, but let’s face it, Joey was it.

8. Barry Hall. With a left hook like that, tell me a player who’d want to meet him in the middle of the park.

9. Shane Warne. Seriously – he has the build and the sporting know-how to make a great hooker. Imagine Mark Riddell with a brain. Plus, Chicka needs a smoking buddy.

10. Mark Carroll. I saw him at Brookvale Oval the other Sunday. The man is huge, and I realised there is no way I would tell him he’s not in the side.

11. Brad Clyde. For three years, he was the best player in the world, no exceptions. (My call - not necessarily agreed with by anyone who knows anything about the game).

12. Gordon Tallis. Any Queenslander I hate that much has got to be good. Remember him rag-dolling Hodgson over the sideline and imagine him playing alongside Barry Hall.

13. Bustling Billy Pedersen. Yes, cause he’s from Newcastle, and yes, cause I named my BBQ after him. (Come on – ‘Bustling Billy BBQ’ has a ring to it doesn’t it)?

And then the bench…

14. Bill Harrigan. As quick as they come, and what a Vice Skipper he’d make. He knows pretty much everything about everything.

15. Greg Brentnall. Fantastic Bulldog under a high-ball. Plus has a great boot on him if ever there was a sudden kicking duel.

16. Terry Lamb. Was known as a player who was everywhere, so why not here?

17. Jamie Goddard. For three reasons. (A) He’s not a Knight or a Bulldog, (B) See selected player numbers 8 and 12. Fair combo huh? And (C) Joey would play better with him in his side rather than opposing him.

And the coach? Gotta think of the most motivational, inspirational individual…

I’d go for Rabs Warren. Imagine him at every video session at training - calling the game – it’d be tops! Otherwise, there are plenty of great coaches to choose from, but let’s not forget Jason Taylor once peed in a cup and threw it amongst the crowd at a cricket game at the SCG. I wouldn’t pick him.

Thanks for reading, and remember, as Little Johnny said (and he probably had Jason Taylor in mind) stay alert, not alarmed.

Chow4now.
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Of Hugh, House and Holmes

August 18th 2006 10:28
I've read that House producers have Sherlock Holmes in mind when they created this series. Sorta make it into an eccentric but brilliant detective..only in House M.D., the crime scenes are set in the human bodies-the brain
(one of the most popular "scene"-yes, neurology is almost always interesting to solve), the heart, liver..(they usually make it more tragic & full of "on-edge-of- the-seat" kinda thing though-with multisystem organ failure!)
Using the widely successful-tried& tested formula of "Whodunit", super villains of various "skills" and


[ Click here to read more ]
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