ChrisCThe week that was...
January 17th 2008 12:24
A trip to the SCG, having a blast with a taser and sex with a robot were some of the things we at Funky-and-The-Jazzman-R-Us had to negotiate on last week’s episode of I’ve Got a Bad Feeling About This.
I made the journey down to the Sydney Cricket Ground to catch a day’s play between the Aussies and the Indians. Being a massive cricket fan, it’s a rare day indeed that I will stoop so low to actually criticise the game, but I feel obliged to report on some of the recent unsavory developments, and I’m not talking about racism, sledging or umpires.
To sum up the day in a sentence: seven and a half hours of cricket, sober, is a tougher gig than I thought!
A few other notes about a fun day at the cricket...
- We were forced to pass through not one but two Checkpoint Charlies to get into the ground. Having been prodded, poked and persuaded to give up all of our personal possessions and spill all our life-long secrets to the ‘enthusiastic’ security, we were on our way to the stands.
- $70 buys you a seat with a reasonable view, but the overall seating arrangements makes an airline seem spacious. Fantastic though if you enjoy sharing body sweat with those around you.
- Unless you are in the Member’s Stand, you are forced to drink mid-strength beer at best, from a plastic cup, for $5.50 a cup, made exclusively by VB (that sentence just keeps getting worse, doesn’t it)?
- This abovementioned-point makes it even harder to understand how you can line up for 15 minutes to buy three bottles of coke, and then be harassed by a 19 year old employee at the front of the queue to take off your sunglasses. When I responded by saying “no I don’t want to, why?” he replied that he was responsible for determining if I was drunk.
I wasn’t quite following: “So, how are my eyes going to tell you if I’m drunk?”
“I’ve done my RSA. If you’re drunk your eyes will be glazy or slightly red,” he replied.
“I’ve spent five hours watching the cricket in the sun. Can’t exposure to sunlight make your eyes red?”
“Yes.”
“What if I had a bit of hay-fever, or sneezed a few times?”
“A-ha.”
“So your test isn’t all that conclusive, is it?”
“Show me your eyes or I will call for back-up.”
“Yes sir.”
Just when I thought I had him beat, too…
Anyway, Cricket Australia has reviewed this game and is determined to make things even bigger and better next year. A few amendments to look forward to next year include:
- A new pricing policy: All you have to do next year is hand over the flat rate of $400, and that will entitle you to a seat, one cold pie, one warm bottle of cola, plus, one plastic cup of light beer that self-destructs five minutes after purchase to ensure you don’t make any of those nasty beer-cup snakes.
- Security: the introduction of the one-for-one policy. There will be one security guard positioned behind every single seat, ensuring your comfort and safety. Each guard positioned behind a spectator will be armed with a paddle bat (to smack you over the head whenever you stand up – i.e. – protect you from the Mexican Wave) and pepper spray (to make sure you don’t see or say anything you shouldn’t). They will also be armed with a taser, for two reasons. Firstly, it acts as back up to Operation Paddle Bat Pepper Spray, and secondly, to quote a Cricket Australia official, “well why not?”
Moving on from the cricket, we read in the Daily Telegraph during the week that a company has come up with a brand new invention. Their fantastic addition to the world combines a taser, a thing that hurts and sometimes kills people, with an mp3 player!
Upon announcing this on our radio show we were going to run a competition to see who could ring in and guess which country would release such a thing, but the answer seemed too obvious even for simpletons such as ourselves: the United States of course.
We heard that as a bonus, it comes with a few songs already installed in it, such as 'Electric Dreams,' the good old AC/DC track, 'Thunderstruck,' and 'Lightning Crashes,' by Live.
Cheesy? Sure.
Each week on our program, we like to give out awards. We have a couple of awards that appear every week, some that bob up from time to time, and then some that appear, are handed out, and then sink without a trace.
Two of our regular awards that were handed out this week are ‘The Punch in the Face Award’ and ‘The Go Champ Go Award.’
The Punch in the Face Award.
This week’s winner is David Levy, an expert in artificial intelligence who claimed that people will be having sex with robots by 2050. (Not a statement you hear every day of the week). He said that the way programming is going, robots in forty odd years will be virtually indistinguishable from people. In other words, we’ll have female robots that whinge a lot and male robots that speed and pick their noses in public. Still, sex with a robot could be great at dinner parties…or a reality TV show. Imagine this: Survivor: Sex-bot Island. Eight people stranded on eight different deserted islands, each with their own sex-bot. Who will be the last to succumb?
The Go Champ Go Award.
We gave this award to a Czech group that could well be fans of The Chaser. According to the Daily Telegraph (or was that the Sydney Morning Herald?), they are facing a possible three year jail term each for doing something we thought was pretty funny. Imagine this: you’re sitting at home, watching the evening weather report on your television. You are taking in the usual gentle images of rolling green pastures and fluffy white clouds when suddenly – a massive nuclear bomb explodes before your eyes, seeming to wipe out every happy Mother Nature image you have just been enjoying. Yep, these guys hacked into the local TV network, looped some footage of a nuclear explosion in over the usual happy-joy stuff, and basically scared the life out of thousands of viewers. Prison term? Maybe. Funny as? We think so…
So that was the show for last week. Cheers for having a read of this blog. All feedback, whether it is good, bad or ugly is always welcome. As we depart, please remember two things...
Be alert, not alarmed,
And chow4now.
Funky and The Jazzman.
I made the journey down to the Sydney Cricket Ground to catch a day’s play between the Aussies and the Indians. Being a massive cricket fan, it’s a rare day indeed that I will stoop so low to actually criticise the game, but I feel obliged to report on some of the recent unsavory developments, and I’m not talking about racism, sledging or umpires.
To sum up the day in a sentence: seven and a half hours of cricket, sober, is a tougher gig than I thought!
- We were forced to pass through not one but two Checkpoint Charlies to get into the ground. Having been prodded, poked and persuaded to give up all of our personal possessions and spill all our life-long secrets to the ‘enthusiastic’ security, we were on our way to the stands.
- $70 buys you a seat with a reasonable view, but the overall seating arrangements makes an airline seem spacious. Fantastic though if you enjoy sharing body sweat with those around you.
- Unless you are in the Member’s Stand, you are forced to drink mid-strength beer at best, from a plastic cup, for $5.50 a cup, made exclusively by VB (that sentence just keeps getting worse, doesn’t it)?
- This abovementioned-point makes it even harder to understand how you can line up for 15 minutes to buy three bottles of coke, and then be harassed by a 19 year old employee at the front of the queue to take off your sunglasses. When I responded by saying “no I don’t want to, why?” he replied that he was responsible for determining if I was drunk.
I wasn’t quite following: “So, how are my eyes going to tell you if I’m drunk?”
“I’ve spent five hours watching the cricket in the sun. Can’t exposure to sunlight make your eyes red?”
“Yes.”
“What if I had a bit of hay-fever, or sneezed a few times?”
“A-ha.”
“So your test isn’t all that conclusive, is it?”
“Show me your eyes or I will call for back-up.”
“Yes sir.”
Just when I thought I had him beat, too…
Anyway, Cricket Australia has reviewed this game and is determined to make things even bigger and better next year. A few amendments to look forward to next year include:
- A new pricing policy: All you have to do next year is hand over the flat rate of $400, and that will entitle you to a seat, one cold pie, one warm bottle of cola, plus, one plastic cup of light beer that self-destructs five minutes after purchase to ensure you don’t make any of those nasty beer-cup snakes.
- Security: the introduction of the one-for-one policy. There will be one security guard positioned behind every single seat, ensuring your comfort and safety. Each guard positioned behind a spectator will be armed with a paddle bat (to smack you over the head whenever you stand up – i.e. – protect you from the Mexican Wave) and pepper spray (to make sure you don’t see or say anything you shouldn’t). They will also be armed with a taser, for two reasons. Firstly, it acts as back up to Operation Paddle Bat Pepper Spray, and secondly, to quote a Cricket Australia official, “well why not?”
Moving on from the cricket, we read in the Daily Telegraph during the week that a company has come up with a brand new invention. Their fantastic addition to the world combines a taser, a thing that hurts and sometimes kills people, with an mp3 player!
Upon announcing this on our radio show we were going to run a competition to see who could ring in and guess which country would release such a thing, but the answer seemed too obvious even for simpletons such as ourselves: the United States of course.
We heard that as a bonus, it comes with a few songs already installed in it, such as 'Electric Dreams,' the good old AC/DC track, 'Thunderstruck,' and 'Lightning Crashes,' by Live.
Cheesy? Sure.
Each week on our program, we like to give out awards. We have a couple of awards that appear every week, some that bob up from time to time, and then some that appear, are handed out, and then sink without a trace.
Two of our regular awards that were handed out this week are ‘The Punch in the Face Award’ and ‘The Go Champ Go Award.’
The Punch in the Face Award.
This week’s winner is David Levy, an expert in artificial intelligence who claimed that people will be having sex with robots by 2050. (Not a statement you hear every day of the week). He said that the way programming is going, robots in forty odd years will be virtually indistinguishable from people. In other words, we’ll have female robots that whinge a lot and male robots that speed and pick their noses in public. Still, sex with a robot could be great at dinner parties…or a reality TV show. Imagine this: Survivor: Sex-bot Island. Eight people stranded on eight different deserted islands, each with their own sex-bot. Who will be the last to succumb?
The Go Champ Go Award.
We gave this award to a Czech group that could well be fans of The Chaser. According to the Daily Telegraph (or was that the Sydney Morning Herald?), they are facing a possible three year jail term each for doing something we thought was pretty funny. Imagine this: you’re sitting at home, watching the evening weather report on your television. You are taking in the usual gentle images of rolling green pastures and fluffy white clouds when suddenly – a massive nuclear bomb explodes before your eyes, seeming to wipe out every happy Mother Nature image you have just been enjoying. Yep, these guys hacked into the local TV network, looped some footage of a nuclear explosion in over the usual happy-joy stuff, and basically scared the life out of thousands of viewers. Prison term? Maybe. Funny as? We think so…
So that was the show for last week. Cheers for having a read of this blog. All feedback, whether it is good, bad or ugly is always welcome. As we depart, please remember two things...
Be alert, not alarmed,
And chow4now.
Funky and The Jazzman.
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Comment by Harry
Sydney Diary
Personals
Brisbane Diarystar
I don't really bother going anymore unless I can get a members ticket. They've made it so hard to enjoy yourself. Hardly any of the grounds have a grassed area anymore, which was by far the best spot.
This week’s winner is David Levy, an expert in artificial intelligence who claimed that people will be having sex with robots by 2050. (Not a statement you hear every day of the week).
2050 -- I'll be very old by then. A sex bot would probably break me.
Comment by ChrisC
The Dissector
"Here lies Harry,
Death by sex-bot."
You'd be remembered along your family tree forevermore!